"Everything that matters is having a strong heart." My 6-year old son Will, February 17, 2011.
Other stand out dates are personal. For me, August 11th is one of them. My birthday is August 10th, and my Mom passed away the day after my 25th birthday. On the first anniversary of her death, my Uncle Peter's wife Fran died of cancer, my cousin's four year old daughter died in a car accident and my nephew Tommy was born, all on the same day. February 22nd will be added to that list this year and for similar reasons, wonderful, sad and tragic.
February 22nd was already a notable day for me, primarily because it's the birthday of my dear friend Howie. He likes to remind everyone that it is the date of the "Miracle on Ice", when the US Olympic team beat the USSR's vaunted Red Army team in the 1980 olympics, a game my brother Michael attended. Every year I send Howie an email, usually copying my cousin Mark Montano who's one of his biggest fans. The notes fall somewhere on the continuum between sentimentality and ridicule, commenting on those with whom he shares a birthday (George Washington of course, but also less obvious connections like Robert Baden-Powell, founder of the boy scouts, which is appropriate as Howie was an Eagle Scout).
After February 22nd, 2011, the date will no longer just be Howie's birthday, where I'll send him a sassy email and remember the party we threw for his 23rd birthday 20 years ago now, a month after we'd moved to Washington D.C. together. The guest lists' female to male ratio was about 8:1. God bless our friend Jen Curley who called us young bachelors out on trying to stack the deck in our favor.
No, next year I'll think back about how the date dramatically changed things in the lives of people I know. I will stick with the sequencing in terms of how I found out about the events of the day since that's how they reside in my mind, starting with the tragic, as one of my colleagues was found dead in the parking lot of our office, from an apparent suicide.
I found out several hours after the fact because I'd taken the week off and was not in the office when Gary was found. I was checking email mid-morning to track something down when I started seeing the subject lines of the emails that had piled up during the morning, "Police in the parking lot" and "No outgoing phone calls until further notice."
I didn't know Gary very well, as we worked in different parts of the organization, but we had a connection in that we are, or were, the only two in the office from Longmeadow. We'd traded $20's this past year supporting each other's school related fundraisers and would sometimes compare notes on the goings on in town. He was always quick with a smile and was a genuinely nice person. It breaks my heart to think of the wife and three boys he leaves behind, the oldest of which nonetheless competed in the state wrestling championships this weekend finishing as the silver medalist in the 140 lb. weight class.
The second piece of this year's February 22nd news was 180 degrees from the first. My cousin Jim who is the similarly aged brother I never had (my own brothers are 8, 10 and 14 years older than me while Jim is one year younger) and his wife welcomed their daughter, Eileen on the 22nd. Appropriately, I found out via email from Howie who had seen the news in a facebook posting from Jim's sister Beth, which is ironic since Jim eschews Facebook and technology in general. I'm pretty sure he was the last person under 45 to get a cell phone.
At 41, Jim's had a long road to fatherhood and I couldn't be happier for him and Heather. Eileen is named for Jim's Mom, my father's sister, who passed away in 1990. Aunt Eileen was a caring soul, a nurse by training, who I remember as having a youthful silliness about her. But though she was quick to laugh, I also remember her having the strength and resolve that comes with raising seven children.
On such a joyous occasion as Eileen's birth, I resist but can't help but recall the time around her namesake's death. Jim was studying in Vienna for a semester while his Mom battled a fast advancing cancer, and he didn't find out until she was very sick. Many of us believe that she hung on just long enough to say goodbye to her youngest child, and she died soon after he came home early from his semester abroad. I was a senior at Cornell and remember borrowing my fraternity brother Lee Winters' car to go back for the funeral, even though I hadn't planned to attend. I remember Jim getting up at the service, struggling to share some memories as he was overcome with emotion.
The last piece of news that arrived February 22nd was sad, but not tragic. While Gary's death and Eileen's birth felt close to home, the death of Jen's brother-in-law's Mom, Mary Ann Watson felt more removed for me, but in some way ties the two events together.
Jen's big-hearted younger sister Gabrielle is married to E.C. Watson, a laid back techiee who loves spicy food, music and soccer. E.C. is a few years old than Jen and me and is the youngest son of a preacher. I only met his mother Mary Anne once, at Gabrielle and E.C.'s wedding, which his father performed at he and Mary Anne's house in rural Elgin, SC outside of Columbia.
I was often struck by the generational shift in their family. With E.C. starting a family later in life, (their kids are 9, 7 and 5) and he being the youngest in his family, it was a strange circumstance for E.C.'s elderly parents to have such young grandchildren, as I recall many of their other grandchildren are well into adulthood. Gabrielle said Mary Anne still relished spending time with her young grandchildren despite being well into her eighties.
E.C.'s father passed away within the last year or two and I heard that Mary Anne's health was failing a bit, yet still lived as independently as possible at their home in Elgin. So it probably wasn't a major shock when she passed away peacefully on the 22nd, though no matter the circumstances, it's always hard to say good-bye.
As I finish this post, I'm struggling to summon the will to attend Gary's calling hours this afternoon. We all know our lives our finite and that thought comes closer to the surface in times like this. And we all know that we have to say good bye at some point to those we love, unless they have to say good-bye to us first. But you don't expect that the family of a 50 year old man's family and friends have to do that, especially knowing that he took his own life.
After welcoming their first child this week, those thoughts couldn't be further from the minds of Jim and Heather right now. In the sleep deprived haze of joy, worry and love, I'm certain they find moments to imagine the great possibilities for their daughter and the expectant wonder of watching her grow and learn, even though right now they're just trying to make it to her next nap and aren't sure what day it is.
And then I think of Mary Anne Watson, who's family has to say good-bye this week. I'm sure there's sadness in their hearts, but they're comforted of the thought she's been reunited with her husband. Not really knowing her or what her life was like, I don't feel entitled to say she led a full and happy life, but from what I know from E.C. and Gabrielle, she did. Mary Anne made it to 87, and along with my Aunt Eileen who was only about 60 when she died, they lived as long and as best as they could until it was their time.
My prayer today is for Eileen to have a long and fulfilling life and that Jim and Heather get to see as much of it as possible and to never know the retching sorrow that must have burdened Gary. I pray for Gary and his family, that his burden is finally lifted and for his family to have the strength to carry on. And I pray for Mary Anne, that she rest in peace and that her family can be comforted through the celebration of a long life well-lived.
That mystifying humility that comes with not knowing when it will be our time should keep us focused on the present and appreciate the time and moments we have, and as Jen said to me the other day, to live in the now. Just as I try to remember August 11th is my nephew's birthday instead of the day my Mom died, I'm going to try to think of February 22nd, as my friend and baby cousin's birthday and appreciate the great memories and wondrous possibilities it represents.
